druffine | Don't let the days go by...

So, well, I am at work, long day today (7 a.m. to 6 p.m.). It's boring as ever. The times goes by but there is nothing I do that would be worth the time. It just rins through my fingers, mindless and resolveless.

The time I am at home and work on Druffitown or chat with my friends seems so much more valueable. Even if the site is still little and not much visited, -- gah, it's not even a month old! -- I feel like it is something with an greater effect than all the things I otherwise do. When people write me, how much they love the site or my fics, I feel so proud of it. Not of me though, I still can't believe I did that, I think I never will.
Damn, there are people out there who read what I typed and they want more, they laugh and maybe cry over my words - it's just too much for my little brain to understand.
There have never been people before who supported or even appreciated what I had done. And now I do something that is easy for me, not really an effort but fun and some do adore it. That's just crazy.

I don't have a lot of friends, real friends. I am not in an relationship and I will probably not start another. My family ... well, if they need something they know how to find me but everything I associate with them are lies, lies, lies... I am so sick of lies and untruths - it just hurts. It gives me the feeling that I am not enough, not intelligent enough to understand the reasons for this or that they did or thought. Or that I am not worth the effort to even get the truth told.

So if you are my friend or want to be, never make the mistake to lie to me or to not tell me how things really are.
And I am totally okay with you keeping secrets or telling different persons different things 'cause you think they understand or can help you better.

I am pretty perceptive and I more often than not get behind lies. Not because I try, no. What ever you tell me I take it as the real thing, I don't think you would lie to me. Why the hell would you? *naive*
But you make mistakes, tell one person that and the other person this and I talk to that person and this person.... Suddenly there is me trembling inside 'cause I discovered you lied to me. And fuck does that hurt.
Well, my "innerSpike" wakes up then and closes the gates, he holds the dissapointement and the anger inside and blocks out everything that could hurt me even more.

Everybody gets a second or a third chance or a ... but I don't forget.
I am a very tolerant and patient person because I am pretty fucked up in my own head and I am through a lot... I don't think there is much I can't deal with. And I give (nearly) everything for the people I call *real* friends perhaps I give too much and that's why I always get kicked in the face when I ask for something, even if it's just a conversation about something they can't deal with. Or don't want to deal with. Why don't they just say: "Can't deal, can't help - sorry." It's okay, dammit, no need to avoid me or stop being friends. It's no problem for you or our friendship if you don't have the answers to *my* problem, it's pretty seldom that I need help anyway but when I need it, it gets heavy and I am crazy with the need for guideance just then but if you can't lead me, it's fucking okay.
Or I just expect too much. I think that's it. I just expect too bloody much.

Lunch break over and I have no idea, why I wrote down this *angst*.
Guess, I needed to have it out.

Druffine